When the welfare of a loved one is on the line, it is time to man up and send marriage fears packing. If Mr. Smith doesn't agree, maybe he should be the one to hit the road.
Tonight I had the pleasure of cooking some authentic cuisine from coastal Veracruz with two close friends. They graciously fielded all of my pesky questions - how many jalapeños for the perfect green chile sauce, why Canola oil, which maza is best for homemade tortillas, and on. What with all my photos and notes you'd have thought I was working undercover for Emeril. I headed home later armed with a plateful of 5-star empanadas to share with the roomies, a happy belly, and still one unanswered question: is it reasonable to expect your spouse to marry you?
As we shredded chicken, diced cilantro, and mashed tortillas, many
topics flew in and out of the kitchen alley way. One of them proved most shocking: my friends' viewpoint on marriage. In their 15 years shared together they have built a home and created a beautiful family of three polite, outgoing youngsters. It would seem to any outsider that they are committed for the long run.
Or are they?
I understand that some people don't think it's necessary to get the "legal piece of paper" in order to attest to the love and mutual respect upon which their relationship is found. And that's how my friend, who we'll call Mr. Smith, feels about the situation. He says divorces are costly and they "change the relationship" (with no further elaboration.) Mrs. Smith observed our conversation with enough silence to give me reasonable room to believe they did not share the same philosophy. At first I supported the idea, thinking it was a novel concept in our age of high divorce rates. Later that night, though, my opinion changed dramatically upon finding out that by avoiding the knot for the past decade and a half, Mr. Smith has been denying a very vital benefit to the woman that he supposedly loves deeply.
I'm referring to the Golden Ticket. The right to vote, the ability to find a rewarding career with salary and health insurance VS. a dead-end job, grants to study or open a business, and above all, the chance to build and use credit. These cornerstones of American life lie on one side of a very narrow bridge: the legal status side.
But this isn't even about politics. This is about l.o.v.e. And to me it's an open and shut case. For Pete's sake: it's been 15 years. Here you have a dedicated, humble woman who is raising your children and will be doing so for the next 15 years regardless of all other circumstances. In just 24 months Mr. Smith could change all her opportunities. Bippety, boppety, boo, said the Fairy Godmother [i.e. good immigration attorney.]
Am I wrong to think that when you truly care for someone then that person's well being should be just as important as your own? And in this country well being has everything to do with your legal status.
And yet, Smith does nothing.
I cannot help but be incensed by the situation. I'm not even sure who makes me more angry - Smith for not caring enough to do the right thing, or Mrs. Smith for allowing him to treat her thus.
When the welfare of a loved one is on the line, it is time to man up and send marriage fears packing. If Mr. Smith doesn't agree, maybe he should be the one to hit the road.
I second your opinion! Not only does marriage secure a relationship, like a bank and money.. no one can just run out of it. It takes money time and alot of emotionally stress. In a sense its worth it, 15-20yrs of detication has to be secured some how. I have never been married and glad I didn't, they were obviously the wrong guys, but the time and effort I put into those relationships I really wish I cold have been rewarded.. lol wether it was cash, assets, or even the thrill of signing the see ya line would have given me much more satisfaction, then just walking away with the clothes on my back.
ReplyDeleteWell said. The insight of someone else with a family to support is very valuable, so thank you! I think that women need the dotted line and that sense of security more than men, as the marriage ceremony and the ring is very symbolic to us of a man's commitment. Like you said 15 years of dedication surely deserves some kind of security if that is what's important to a partner. I wonder if a lad will come along to put his two cents in?
ReplyDeleteI am a lad. There is a romantic tone to the idea that love and commitment should not be controlled by the state, that character and personal assurance should be the fuel by which a relationship flies. I fully understand this view . . . BUT! If both besotted ones share an aversion to the marriage certificate they, in this day and age, should not exclude all available means for enforceable security for their children and themselves. If they abhor the idea of marriage they may form an LLC, becoming partners in all they own and can clearly define how their assets should be distributed under any set of happenstances. This seems a little cold to me, however the point is that if marriage is REALLY the issue. Legally binding protection can be put in place for all. If this is unacceptable, in my opinion, there is a much deeper problem.
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