In love? Or just love stoned? Yes, you can tell the difference

"Strange Magic'  

There is a strange truth to love. It's that you can fall in love with pretty much anybody.  No qualifications and no logic needed.  Even more odd is that you can love how a person makes you feel, but not really love that person. The love stoned of the world are trying to build futures with people who aren't good matches for them, instead of looking for a better approach. If we want to break that cycle then we have to be smart about something that generally makes us stupid. 

Having observed many, many couples in all stages of romance, from googly-eyed, dopey lovers during the first 6 months to the "I never want to see you again and take your dog with you" after 7 itchy years, I invite you to share what I've learned.   

The Wheels On The Love Bus...  

Everyone knows someone who is in and out of relationships all the time. To start this story I will confess that I used to be one of those people. Then one day I decided I wanted just one relationship: a successful, fulfilling one. This is when I intentionally stopped dating, and started hanging out at "the bus stop."

The "bus stop" is where romance begins (and often subsequently implodes). We sit at love's bus stop and watch as the "buses" roll on by. We smile, wave, and keep on sitting. We sit through stormy weather and sunny days. We sit while friends jump on and jump off. We sit because we're having fun watching all the commotion on the buses even if we're not a part of it. For us, sitting is fun, because we know something that a lot of people don't: we know what we want. 

"We" are the lads and ladies who are single by choice. Our confidence comes from having taken the time to figure out what exactly we are looking for in a mate. Our expectations are high, yet reasonable. This is the first key and the home field advantage that many overlook completely - do you know what kind of person will make you happy?  

If you know the answer, then when Mr. or Mrs. So-Not-Right-For-Me comes along, you won't entertain the temptation. If you're serious about finding a sensible match, then you're going to need the discipline to resist the other buses that roll by. You need the patience to be single and hold out. If you're already on the wrong bus, then you won't be at the stop when the right one gets there to pick you up. I see too many friends hanging around in relationships they know have no destination, and all the while they are missing opportunities to meet people with whom they can have a long-term click instead of a brief, abrupt romance. 

If you can't handle these basics, then you don't know yourself that well. Your first step may be that - get to know you. After all, we can't expect someone to fall in love with us if we don't have any concept of what we need from others and what we're trying to become. It's ok to be a blank canvas.. Just have an idea of what kind of paint you'd like to splash on it.

You may think that you can get into a relationship and then try to find yourself and what makes you happy. This is a young fool's way of thinking, and many will tell you they have already learned it's a tough road down which to travel. It's almost impossible to do your inner homework while investing in a relationship. The time that you need to find "you" is already limited as it is by your career and family. As my friend Kelly Camp-Force once put it: "How do you expect to get to know you, if "you" are always busy trying to get to know someone else?"

Maybe you know a couple who just doesn't seem to have any spark or mental connection. Chances are good that these folks are mismatched. They never took the time to grow as people, and because of that, they don't have a clue as to what they want. They picked anybody, instead of picking somebody.

So if you haven't already, I encourage you to do your "research." 

Why Do Opposites Attract? Actually, They Don't

So let's say you know what you want. How do you find out if someone else has it? I know some questions that will put you on the right track. These will scare off the people who are wrong for you, and bring you closer to someone who is potentially right. Once you understand why we are asking this sort of questions, you will see that couples who seem opposite are in fact very much alike.

What are your values? What is your attitude toward life and people? If I disagree with you, will you still respect my opinion? Do you have goals? What are some qualities that you feel like you've always had, like being curious or competitive? Do you fight for what you want, or do you Let It Be? Do you love to learn? Do you, reader, see where I'm going? The answers to these questions reflect the real part of you, and the real part of whomever else answers them. These are the parts of a person that are less likely to change over time, which make them absolutely essential to understanding another human on a long-term basis.

Most people bypass these questions because they are too busy falling in love with what another person is "interested in," or with how another person "makes them feel."  That we love motorcycles, cooking, and action movies may make us more appealing, but these are skin-deep interests. They have nothing to do with what a potential mate will be like 10 years from now, because interests can change from day to day. But habits, and core values, are more likely to stick with us for life. 

After all, if the only thing you have in common is that you go out and drink together, what happens when one of you joins AA?  You might find yourself with someone that you really don't connect with at all.

Undervalue feelings, too, as unromantic as it sounds. Here's why: "love" puts us under the influence. It's on par with a fluffy chemical cocktail (think Madam Rue's Love Potion #9). The mind doesn't care if you have long-term compatibility, or if you would be friends this person if no sexual attraction existed. These important concepts are meaningless to it! All it knows is that it wants MORE! More novelty, flattery, and attraction! These are the hypnotic drugs prescribed by mother nature to keep the race intact. In turn they produce enough euphoria to convince you to do all sorts of idiotic things. It's so much like being high or intoxicated that we are literally too impaired to think straight. This is why we need to see prospective partners at a deeper level and try to catch a glimpse at how they think, instead of focusing entirely on how we feel when we're with them.  

Interestingly enough, this explains the common phenomenon "opposites attract". Partners who seem to be very different in terms of interests and personalities appear quite happy and suited for one another. Could it be that their souls are in agreement?  The next time you meet a couple like this, you will observe that while she may like routine and he is a lover of spontaneity, the ways in which they think about life in general, and how they perceive its challenges and great moments, are on the same wavelength. Therefore fickle interests, like skiing, sports, and soap operas, have no real merit.  It is our pattern of thoughts that ultimately attracts and bonds us.

Don't go looking for a couple like this.. Await that great little thing called Serendipity and she will bring one into your experience. When you meet these people, I challenge you to make the observations that we discussed. I personally know of a handful, and it's a remarkable thing to watch them interact. Two people who on the surface are like night and day somehow finish each others' sentences.

The tricky thing is that having this mental connection isn't enough by itself.. Romantic love at some level must accompany it. Often friends exhibit the same kind of "hey, you read my mind" phenomenon   If we can find it as friends, then what's to stop us from finding it in a long-term partner? The guy or gal who shares your attitude toward life and understands you may turn out to be a great, long-term match.  

Now you see, my friend, why I'm quite content at the bus stop. So hang up your hat and have a seat with me. We have a lot of fun here, us Spinsters ;) One day we will give up our seats when the right bus comes along. We'll reap the rewards of all our patience.  Life is too short to spend alone, and offers too much abundance for us to settle for something less than wonderful. 

Happy Hunting! 
Cha Cha