In love? Or just love stoned? Yes, you can tell the difference

"Strange Magic'  

There is a strange truth to love. It's that you can fall in love with pretty much anybody.  No qualifications and no logic needed.  Even more odd is that you can love how a person makes you feel, but not really love that person. The love stoned of the world are trying to build futures with people who aren't good matches for them, instead of looking for a better approach. If we want to break that cycle then we have to be smart about something that generally makes us stupid. 

Having observed many, many couples in all stages of romance, from googly-eyed, dopey lovers during the first 6 months to the "I never want to see you again and take your dog with you" after 7 itchy years, I invite you to share what I've learned.   

The Wheels On The Love Bus...  

Everyone knows someone who is in and out of relationships all the time. To start this story I will confess that I used to be one of those people. Then one day I decided I wanted just one relationship: a successful, fulfilling one. This is when I intentionally stopped dating, and started hanging out at "the bus stop."

The "bus stop" is where romance begins (and often subsequently implodes). We sit at love's bus stop and watch as the "buses" roll on by. We smile, wave, and keep on sitting. We sit through stormy weather and sunny days. We sit while friends jump on and jump off. We sit because we're having fun watching all the commotion on the buses even if we're not a part of it. For us, sitting is fun, because we know something that a lot of people don't: we know what we want. 

"We" are the lads and ladies who are single by choice. Our confidence comes from having taken the time to figure out what exactly we are looking for in a mate. Our expectations are high, yet reasonable. This is the first key and the home field advantage that many overlook completely - do you know what kind of person will make you happy?  

If you know the answer, then when Mr. or Mrs. So-Not-Right-For-Me comes along, you won't entertain the temptation. If you're serious about finding a sensible match, then you're going to need the discipline to resist the other buses that roll by. You need the patience to be single and hold out. If you're already on the wrong bus, then you won't be at the stop when the right one gets there to pick you up. I see too many friends hanging around in relationships they know have no destination, and all the while they are missing opportunities to meet people with whom they can have a long-term click instead of a brief, abrupt romance. 

If you can't handle these basics, then you don't know yourself that well. Your first step may be that - get to know you. After all, we can't expect someone to fall in love with us if we don't have any concept of what we need from others and what we're trying to become. It's ok to be a blank canvas.. Just have an idea of what kind of paint you'd like to splash on it.

You may think that you can get into a relationship and then try to find yourself and what makes you happy. This is a young fool's way of thinking, and many will tell you they have already learned it's a tough road down which to travel. It's almost impossible to do your inner homework while investing in a relationship. The time that you need to find "you" is already limited as it is by your career and family. As my friend Kelly Camp-Force once put it: "How do you expect to get to know you, if "you" are always busy trying to get to know someone else?"

Maybe you know a couple who just doesn't seem to have any spark or mental connection. Chances are good that these folks are mismatched. They never took the time to grow as people, and because of that, they don't have a clue as to what they want. They picked anybody, instead of picking somebody.

So if you haven't already, I encourage you to do your "research." 

Why Do Opposites Attract? Actually, They Don't

So let's say you know what you want. How do you find out if someone else has it? I know some questions that will put you on the right track. These will scare off the people who are wrong for you, and bring you closer to someone who is potentially right. Once you understand why we are asking this sort of questions, you will see that couples who seem opposite are in fact very much alike.

What are your values? What is your attitude toward life and people? If I disagree with you, will you still respect my opinion? Do you have goals? What are some qualities that you feel like you've always had, like being curious or competitive? Do you fight for what you want, or do you Let It Be? Do you love to learn? Do you, reader, see where I'm going? The answers to these questions reflect the real part of you, and the real part of whomever else answers them. These are the parts of a person that are less likely to change over time, which make them absolutely essential to understanding another human on a long-term basis.

Most people bypass these questions because they are too busy falling in love with what another person is "interested in," or with how another person "makes them feel."  That we love motorcycles, cooking, and action movies may make us more appealing, but these are skin-deep interests. They have nothing to do with what a potential mate will be like 10 years from now, because interests can change from day to day. But habits, and core values, are more likely to stick with us for life. 

After all, if the only thing you have in common is that you go out and drink together, what happens when one of you joins AA?  You might find yourself with someone that you really don't connect with at all.

Undervalue feelings, too, as unromantic as it sounds. Here's why: "love" puts us under the influence. It's on par with a fluffy chemical cocktail (think Madam Rue's Love Potion #9). The mind doesn't care if you have long-term compatibility, or if you would be friends this person if no sexual attraction existed. These important concepts are meaningless to it! All it knows is that it wants MORE! More novelty, flattery, and attraction! These are the hypnotic drugs prescribed by mother nature to keep the race intact. In turn they produce enough euphoria to convince you to do all sorts of idiotic things. It's so much like being high or intoxicated that we are literally too impaired to think straight. This is why we need to see prospective partners at a deeper level and try to catch a glimpse at how they think, instead of focusing entirely on how we feel when we're with them.  

Interestingly enough, this explains the common phenomenon "opposites attract". Partners who seem to be very different in terms of interests and personalities appear quite happy and suited for one another. Could it be that their souls are in agreement?  The next time you meet a couple like this, you will observe that while she may like routine and he is a lover of spontaneity, the ways in which they think about life in general, and how they perceive its challenges and great moments, are on the same wavelength. Therefore fickle interests, like skiing, sports, and soap operas, have no real merit.  It is our pattern of thoughts that ultimately attracts and bonds us.

Don't go looking for a couple like this.. Await that great little thing called Serendipity and she will bring one into your experience. When you meet these people, I challenge you to make the observations that we discussed. I personally know of a handful, and it's a remarkable thing to watch them interact. Two people who on the surface are like night and day somehow finish each others' sentences.

The tricky thing is that having this mental connection isn't enough by itself.. Romantic love at some level must accompany it. Often friends exhibit the same kind of "hey, you read my mind" phenomenon   If we can find it as friends, then what's to stop us from finding it in a long-term partner? The guy or gal who shares your attitude toward life and understands you may turn out to be a great, long-term match.  

Now you see, my friend, why I'm quite content at the bus stop. So hang up your hat and have a seat with me. We have a lot of fun here, us Spinsters ;) One day we will give up our seats when the right bus comes along. We'll reap the rewards of all our patience.  Life is too short to spend alone, and offers too much abundance for us to settle for something less than wonderful. 

Happy Hunting! 
Cha Cha 

Keeping me on my toes (all 9 of them)

One of the most devastating moments of a youngster's life is sure to be on the day he loses a favorite and necessary extremity, like a toe. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

A mirror that had yet to be mounted was left to chance in the hallway of our home. Somehow my prized, right pinky toe found the edge of that mirror as I came skipping out of the bath. And next was the red stuff. Loooooooots of it.

Naturally, this being my first "serious" injury as a tot of perhaps 8 years old, I was convinced that I was losing too much blood. And that on top of that, my toe was a goner. I began to compose its epitaph:  ....Thanks for the walks in the park.. Thanks for helping me learn the 'This little piggy' song... Thanks for being the caboose without a complaint. 

My neighbors were immediately dispatched. The tale began to spread, and we had no choice but to call upon Mommy Dearest, who was at one of her three jobs at the time. Poor Mom, as if she didn't have enough to worry about. Added to her charge now was the burial of my lost digit, and the rest of the 9-toed 8-year old left behind to grieve it.  

But to my surprise I got to keep that toe. It turned out that my perception of the injury was not nearly as bad as the injury itself. I took away an interesting lesson that day. The way we perceive things in the world changes our viewpoint, and our entire lives, completely. Sometimes we expect the worse, and get the best. Other times, it's vice versa. But at the end of the day - your take on the situation, how you decide to view your own circumstances - is all that's real. Everything else feels like details. 

Most of us are concerned about how others perceive us - but what about your perception of yourself?  What if you didn't care at all how others perceived you? How would you behave differently? I can give you a good example. My Acting teacher, Dr. Tony Medlin, is a nothing short of a salaried toilet that you might find at the end of your neighbor's driveway. He is a foul man with no filter who is not afraid to piss you off. In fact, that's his goal. And my is he fascinating.

The best thing about Dr. Tony is that he doesn't give a care in the world whether you like him or not. He is a real person who hides nothing. If you can accept him at face value, he will help lead you to treasure: "There are diamonds in the river of shit if you aren't afraid to go in!" He declares as he stands at the front of the class.

"You bastard, quit getting here late," he regularly barks at a student who is habitually tardy. While we play Improv and warm-up games he bawls out, "Stop sucking!" And you know happens next? We start improving. As students we know that we are to show up to his class "on our game." That is what's expected of us, and while not everyone rises to the challenge, most of us do. We have been inspired to take an elective more seriously. He's keeping us on our toes because we're forced to think on our feet.

My perception of Dr. Tony is that he lives a very rich life because he is himself 100% of the day. I wonder what life would be like if we could just all let our guards down. 

Our family cat, Louis, hates me, no doubt, when I let my own guard down. His quiet afternoon snooze on the sofa of our home is loudly interrupted any time I am left home by myself. As soon as I hear the last car roar off I run to the stereo and crank it up. And that's the moment when I transform.

I am a footloose Kevin Bacon meets a maniac of a Flashdancer. I pounce on top of furniture and get down for the caterpillar carpet burn. My air guitar puts David Lee Roth to shame. On a good day I'll even slide down the hallway in my socks and undies, making Tom Cruise look like my amateur stunt double.   

Even if I only have 5 minutes to 'rock out' I do. Prince's Let's Go Crazy lets the bull right out of the gate. Sometimes I'll slow it down for songs like the Beautiful Ones, and I imagine that I'm Queen Mab of a new branch of ballet, "Stripper With Her Clothes On." This, right here, is the realest side of me.. It's when I feel the most free and the least judged. I believe that we are all a little afraid of judgement, and of that word again, perception. 

So I guess if I could send out a message, I would send out one like Dr. Tony's. Don't be afraid to do your own Mashed Potato. Even if today you can only be "you" in private, this is one step closer to being "you" in public tomorrow. Maybe one of your toes will pop off. Maybe you'll lose blood some other way. But Mom, or a friend (or one of those creepy, magic State Farm agents) will appear, and your wound will heal. It will be well worth the pain just to feel a bit of freedom. 

When are you the most free? 

Two eyes, and one mouth: my favorite disproportion

“Try to live with the same intensity as a child. He doesn't ask for explanations; he dives into each day as if it were a new adventure and, at night, sleeps tired and happy.”
― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light 

...........................................................................................................

I know what you're thinking - it's two ears, and one mouth. Well, my friend, you are both mistaken and correct (which makes you a paradox, hmmm :).

You're correct in remembering the accuracy of the old adage that we're born with two ears and one mouth - a reminder that we ought to listen more than we speak. But you've mistakenly assumed that I intended to use this adage. I am, on the contrary and with your help, re-writing it. 

You have thus, since February 20, 2013, been re-born: now with two bright, curious eyes and one two-lipped speaker. Now you will join people across the world who already understand that in order to pursue personal development and a full, and happy life, then they must forget about their ears (and that silly old adage.)

It is flawed in nature, you see. Whoever invented it to begin with wants us to believe that it is better to listen than to speak, working inside the idea that those who speak know more than we do, and therefore, in order to learn, it's best to shut our eager cans.

When I was young I bought that line. But not anymore now that I've got a few grey hairs. At first I feared them and plucked them. Now I like to think of them as my brain's expression of speedy expansion. Riddle me this, Batman: have you considered your sources, lately? Who are you listening to, and do you trust them with your well-being? Much of what we do and think is influenced by those around us. Are you listening to people who have what you want and do what you want to do?  Are the TV talking heads telling the truth, or just saying what people want to hear? 

You tell me to beware of my own mouth, and to listen in a free and unfiltered manner to the hogwash that flies out of the traps of others. I might as well kiss a pig after a mud bath. 

I challenge you, old adage, to a modern duel. And I challenge you who reads this, who obviously has the gift of sight and ability to analyze and obtain information, to close your ears. All around you are people are not qualified to speak into them. We must be cautious and guard our greatest possession of all - our minds. I call upon you to install your own filter, or your water system will be tainted. Don't you know that he who can read, but doesn't, is equal to a man who cannot? Be a man - or woman - who can. 

Accept my challenge and read a new book this week. Investigate your author and see if he has the experience and assets, whether intellectual or financial, to dispense such advice. And if he doesn't, keep searching.

I look forward to hearing your feedback. Oops, I meant seeing :) 

Con mucho amor,

Cha Cha  

My Book List This Week:

Warrior of the Light by Paulo Cohelo  
The Real Crash by Peter Schiff 

Last Week: How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
 


Special Thanks To Inspirations of This Year's First Blog:

-Miss Patricia Garcia, who knows in what section of Barnes & Nobles to abandon me for hours without food and water

-Andrew Anderson and his latest blog about how the sound of orange juice pouring might control your destiny