Do you ever find yourself looking around and saying, "How exactly did I get here?" This, my friends, is the story of my life. Despite that I set out with a chief aim and fiery determination, the
curve balls start ripping out of no where, faster than I can keep up.
The only thing left to do is catch what I can and dodge the rest.
I had somehow convinced myself that I could be lucky, really lucky, in the same career field twice in a lifetime. I was sure that if I packed up my things and said goodbye to everyone I know then I'd be back soon enough with the same pile of cash that I had made those short years ago. I'd achieve my dream of paying off my credit, and I'd find a fun, lucrative business to pour my heart into.
I wanted so badly to re-create the magic I felt back when I first started doing home renovation sales. I didn't even know I was a salesperson I was having so much fun. But the playing field has changed, and the years..Well, they have changed me.
As we get older, we become wiser, and it isn't always to our advantage. We become painfully aware of our own weaknesses and flaws. Those of us who are ambitious must work harder to overcome rejection and our fears of not being good enough. I am much like a child who at 7 cheerfully dances at a birthday party, but at 13 has become far to shy to dare take such a risk.
Sometimes, I long for that ignorance. I wish learning could be retroactive. I wonder what it would be like to have a Benjamin Button sort of life.
So what that I have literally hundreds of competitors? Yes, it's 110 degrees outside, and I'm melting like a snow cone, but sunblock is in stock. Never mind a social life, family reunions, meeting my nephew, and having a day off every now and then. I'm certain that I'll get over the awful smells of my second job. And hey, there's always the option of buying my own health insurance since neither of my employers offer it.
These things are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.. right? One of my favorite all-time quotes that I try to say to myself every day...
"If I do what is easy, then later my life will be hard. If I do what is hard, then later my life will be easy."
I have made the decision that I will be financially independent, and if
that means rolling in the trenches, then hand me my Trench Coat. My future will not be that of someone stuck in a job that he or she does not enjoy because they were not willing to look harder for opportunities.
So I guess I am complaining because I want so badly to complain, but the best thing to do is shut my mouth, go back to work, and daydream of the day when life is easier. When I throw ridiculously large theme parties for my closest friends' birthdays.. When I build my dream home with secret passageways and slides that take you downstairs. I'll invite my loved ones to stay, and maybe they'll never leave. My non-profit organizations will jump, jive, and wail. My private chef will be tragically overpaid, and my pool boy will be of humble origins.. Tan and dirty.. I can see him now.
I know these days will come, and the thought of them keep me going.
This reminds me of something Roo once told me his uncle said to him... something like, life is hard and it doesn't get any easier unless you make a really big effort. Nested within this philosophy is that when you fail at something, trying again is part of that big effort. Perseverance is just as important as that initial idealism... the catch is that sometimes they can seem mutually exclusive. It's hard to remain positive while you struggle to push a boulder up a hill, even when you know what great things await you at the top. Becoming a parent has certainly reinforced these ideas, and it's made me a lot stronger. I never knew you could fit so much into a month.
ReplyDeleteVery thought-provoking insight, Big Sis. I, too, am reminded of a wise quote from an "uncle".. Jay once said that most successful people had to fail many times before finding their niche. The exception to this is of course parenting.. Though there are many different ways to do it, the only wrong way is to not do it with love.. Or so I think. I can only imagine how differently you look at the world now that Jack Jack is in it :)
ReplyDelete